Rain
by Limey
Summary: Giving up these powers... would make me useless again.' A reflective piece from Usagi's point of view that takes place after the last episode of the series.


**Notes:** Another Sailormoon story I decided to 'dig up' from the various archives. Edited for random Japanese words – I've grown to hate the unnatural insertion of them in stories (but wholly pardon my 7-yrs. ago self for using them).

This story takes place after episode 200 of the anime – in other words, THE END. Spoiler alert x 200.1.

Anyhow, more rambling from yours truly at the end of the story.

Enjoy.

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Rain.

It's been a few weeks or so since Galaxia and the Starlights have returned to their rightful places in the universe, and the after-effects are still vibrating in my life. Kind of like that raindrop effect in the pond, where each wave gets bigger than the last.

The final evil has been overcome. Chaos has been pushed back from Earth, and although evil still occurs regularly here, the opaque darkness is delayed in its stay for a long time. The world, as of now, is at peace...

...which means that my powers as Eternal Sailormoon have been laid to rest...or, to phrase it better, I should lay the powers to rest. But--strangely--somehow--this uniform, this fighting, this irregular life which I have fought so hard to escape and leave behind... I cannot leave it behind now. It has become a part of me, fused with my soul. As much as I hated to admit it, deep down inside, I _liked_ being irregular. If anything could be said of my role as a warrior, it certainly made life interesting.

How ironic, now, that I crave to return to that worry-worn life when the peace I'm living in now is all I could ever dream of…

Everything feels different now. The chilly winds feel numbing instead of refreshing, the warm winds feel sticky instead of comforting. Things seem less colorful than they were a month ago. I feel as if I'm in a container, begging to be let out. But once I am given the chance, I cower to the farthest edge...trying to think of some other way to improve myself, make myself better.

I am getting better grades every week. My teachers are bubbling with praise. My fellow classmates are doubled over with confusion. I smile, yes, and laugh, although these expressions don't feel right anymore.

I guess I could say I feel empty.

Maybe not empty...hollowed out. Like my container is missing its contents.

It's raining again. The small, cool droplets of water are strangely refreshing to my weary body. Looking around slowly, I see various people ducking into buildings and houses to escape the oncoming sheet of droplets with cringing expressions on their faces.

For the first time in weeks, I feel myself smile. A genuine one. I know not why. And yet, in this misty setting of downtown Tokyo, with my wet, heavy pigtails weighing my dark blonde hair down, a feeling of unexpressed joy overcomes my face. I clutch my black schoolbag tightly as I look up gratefully at the clouds above. I am sure that there are people watching me in fascination, perhaps ridicule, from their windows. My black, patent-leather school shoes feel soggy, and my feet feel encased in sponge. The

navy-blue bow on my school uniform sags with the weight of water.

But I am still here, smiling at the sky. And trying to figure out why I am still here, smiling at the sky.

I had retreated into a shell coated with vagueness. Was it loneliness that caused me to shrink away from friendly hugs or soft kisses? Desolation? It feels like it is being washed away by this gentle, soothing rain. Water runs down my forehead, down my cheeks, cooling my neck and body. I can already hear my mother screaming about how I'll catch my 'death of cold.'

But as much as I knew I should leave, I want to stay.

Rain. Simple, pure, cold droplets of heaven-sent water to soothe the parched lips of the earth. But in this moment, after another monotonous day of high school, it feels like the rain was sent to soothe my parched soul.

As suddenly as the rain had fallen, a revelation of sorts falls onto me. I think I now know why I have been so depressed, although I'm not sure if I should use so strong a

word to describe my emotions. I think know why I can't let go of my powers. I think know why I can never face Mamo-chan and look at him eye to eye. I think know why I never dial up Rei-chan's number on my telephone anymore.

No. I don't _think_ I know why. I _know_ why.

The mist is pulled from my mind, and I remember. My head snaps back from the smiling position, looking at the clouds, to facing ahead at the supposedly endless street that led, eventually, to my house. Droplets of water pour down my face, but not from the clouds—from my eyes. My unseeing, overflowing eyes...too blind to notice what had been in front of me all along.

Giving up Sailormoon, giving up the power...it would make me useless again.

Why has it taken me so long to understand that? And why couldn't I understand it somewhere else, instead of in the middle of some hum-drum street smiling deliriously at the clouds? My throat doubles over in a constant pain. Perhaps...depression...is not a strong word for this feeling, after all.

Mako-chan is so good at martial arts and cooking. In whatever she pursues, she will be good in either. Ami-chan is very smart and will most likely be a doctor, able to help people out with their problems—something she always enjoys. Rei-chan, I know, will be a Shinto priestess. And Minako-chan has an air around her, some kind of unseen aura that tells me she will be famous in the future.

I'm… I'm _nothing_ without those powers. I have no underlying talents, no smarts, no individual skills to call my own. I've been Sailormoon for so long… and now, I'm 'plain ol' klutzy Usagi' again.

There will be a time, I know, when I will rise as Neo-Queen Serenity and watch over this world with Endymion and our daughter. I will protect those people in the distant future… in the future, my power will not go to waste.

But in the meantime, I'm a burden to those I love.

Next thing I know, I'm numbly walking across the street--surprisingly, the cars miss my body--and down another, unaware of where I'm going. Not caring where the destination is. All the while, I'm screaming 'Think! **THINK!**' inside of my head, but not being able to make anything out of the mist I keep going. The actual mist around Tokyo is getting thicker as the rain, never stopping, keeps coming down in light sheets. Never enough to hurt me, but not soft enough for me to move freely.

My navy-blue skirt is like slime against my legs, grabbing onto my thighs and slowing me down. The bangs are sticking like glue onto my forehead.

What drives me to continue? There are many answers, none of them right.

I find myself waiting for something _right_ to happen.

"Usako!" His voice is faint. I wonder if it's an illusion created in my own mind or not. He sounds so distant...

...he's felt so distant these past few weeks. After things returned to 'normal', he pulled away from me; and, on those strained times that we tried to go out together, the silences between us spanned the globe.

Another mist is removed from my eyes as I realize that I am not the only one affected by my decisions. How long have I left him alone without my assurance that he is not the reason I am shrinking away? How could I have been so wrapped in my own self-pity without being able to notice that he was hurting, too?

Usagi, you _idiot_.

"Usako!" His voice is a little louder now. Its ringing tones leave me detached from my soggy body for a second or two, wanting to fly with winged feet to his smiling face. I remember a phrase he used when we celebrated our 2-yr. anniversary: 'You are half of me.' It makes me feel even more useless now, although it made me so happy I cried when he had told me… some half of a whole I am, I reflect bitterly, the grey world dissolving in my tear-filled vision. And yet…

...more rain. It's washed away the mists in my mind, but it's made more painful things crystal-clear. I don't want this reality. I prefer to stay in my senseless, numbing, protective shell.

"Usako!" A pair of strong, warm arms encircles me from behind tightly, almost desperately. "Usako, why did you keep walking?" There is a note of instability in his voice, something I am not accustomed to hearing. I feel my legs stop simultaneously as a black umbrella falls to the ground, dropped in his over-excitement to see me.

It's still raining.

"I...I don't know," I stumble awkwardly. His arms are tucked in right below my shoulders and around my arms, squeezing the water from my soaked uniform. Droplets of water gather on his arms from the falling rain, from my tears. I dare not turn around to face him.

"I've--I've worried about you these past few weeks." His voice sounds shaky, but firm. I want to cry even harder. Cursing inwardly, I shake involuntarily from both the rain and my utter self-disgust.

"Don't be worried," I manage to say through chattering teeth. "I'm fine."

But Mamo-chan, are you?

And this rain, 'this manna of my soul', pounds against my ears like a relentless drum. The silence between us overwhelms me. I wonder if he can hear my heart beating. He sighs, and his voice cuts through the noise.

"You know, Harvard University has sent me another letter asking me to fly back over to Massachusetts. They...offered to pay for my stay--you know, a full scholarship." My mind wanders temporarily, thinking of the last time he went to Harvard… and that thought scares the hell out of me. I want to turn around so badly, now.

Is this selfishness? To want him to stay with me? I push him away...but I don't want him to leave. And yet, I still can't turn around. The thought of facing him, seeing every facet of his eyes that I love makes me lower my head in shame. I really am not worthy.

"You're...going, right?" I curse myself for letting my voice crack on the last word. My hands are still grabbing onto my schoolbag tightly--so tightly my knuckles are turning white. I can feel his eyes looking, staring at the back of my head. "I know you'll go, then. It's...such a wonderful opportunity..."

"Do you still have my ring on your finger?" The suddenness of his question startles me, and I cover the hand with the gold band with my other.

"Yes." He speaks softly into my ear again, and I can't keep my heart from racing at the nearness of him.

"Then I'm not leaving." I can't help it anymore; I make myself turn around to face him, guilt or no guilt.

He's wearing the light blue shirt I had told him had the right color to compliment his eyes, and dark blue pants...clothes too nice to be ruined in the rain. Mulling upon similar mundane thoughts, my mind wanders and I look up at his moppy hair. He'll catch his death of cold, I think…

So curious… somewhere I feel like laughing.

"You shouldn't stay for me," I choke suddenly. There. I had said it.

So why were his arms still around me?

"I... know that you haven't been the most cheerful girl the past few weeks, Usako. I haven't been any kind of 'Prince Charming' myself. I… well…" He falters for a second, then sets his eyes on mine and continues. "I talked to Rei recently, and she says that you become more distant every day." I manage to avoid his eyes, letting my eyes dart to the mist behind him or to my shoes timidly.

"You--you talked to Rei-chan?" I couldn't keep the surprise out of my voice, then wonder why I try to hide my emotions from him in the first place. He nods.

"Well, I was really worried about you," he says sheepishly. My eyes finally find their way to his, and I see traces of dark circles under those beautifully blue eyes. Were they for me, or because you were studying, Mamo-chan?

The rain becomes a little lighter, releasing the thick mist around us. I can clearly see the buildings behind him now.

"I can't say the same," I say sadly. My eyes dart from his to the clearing mists to his eyes again. I've caused him so much trouble... then I remember that he's being soaked in

this rain, too. Yet another reason for me to feel bad. "I've been so wrapped up in my own little web, I've been barely aware of anyone else. Some friend I am--"

"That doesn't sound like you, and you _know_ that's not what happened." His voice is almost vengeful as he lashes at me angrily. It sparks a similar flame of anger in me. Why does he refuse to see how selfish I've been?

"How can you say that? How can you tell me how wonderful I am when I've gone out of my way to avoid you—to avoid everyone?" Tears resurface in my eyes again, and I feel so desperate I can barely catch my breath. "I didn't want to burden you all with me… I was trying to improve myself on my own… but Mamo-chan," I sob, "Mamo-chan... without those powers, I'm _useless_..."

The small, splashing drops of water size down to specs of misty drizzle as his anger dissolves into a small, comforting smile. I can feel my body melt as I drop my schoolbag in numbness, and feel released…

The container falls apart around me, and I _feel_ him; the gold ring seems to throb around my finger as a bind. A promise.

"How can _you _say _that_?" he finally says, a little reproachfully. His smile fades, and his eyes grow dark. "If anything, _I'm_ useless… I couldn't even protect you in that final battle…" His eyes lose contact with mine, and I find myself with a small, tremulous smile on my lips. "I've been feeling so sorry for myself—kept thinking about what a joke of a protector I was for you—and I didn't see that you were pulling away until it was too late. Usako, I've… I've been such a bastard, I can't believe I…" He trails into silence, and I want to scream at him. Loudly. But I decide to keep smiling instead, wiping the last of my tears from my eyes.

The future of the world depends on our love, our unity together; and here we are, isolating ourselves and feeling useless. The humor of the situation strikes me very suddenly, and I fight to keep myself from laughing.

"You know," I say softly, "even the indestructible Tuxedo Kamen needs a break sometimes." He smiles back, his black bangs dripping with water. His eyes dance. I'm smiling so hard, I can't feel my cheeks.

"And I bet that the omnipotent Eternal Sailormoon needs to go out for a shake once in a while."

The instant the words pass through his lips, I feel warmer than I've felt in weeks.

Sometimes, it doesn't take 'I love you' or a kiss to make things better. It takes... it takes a dry, sarcastic college student with sopping wet clothes, and bags under his eyes while he smiles. A twenty-something guy that holds half of the future in his hands, but would rather be holding his blonde, klutzy, self-pitying girlfriend. At least, that's what works for me.

"I'll take you on that shake, Mamo-chan," I say mischievously. The rain stops in its tracks as the two of us are left soaked and dripping, grinning at each other in wild delight. The forgotten black umbrella is upside-down and filled with rainwater. And it feels like a new beginning.

Maybe we don't deserve each other. Maybe we can't always protect each other, or be there for each other when we need each other. But those facts make us human... and I like it better that way.

"You know," Mamo-chan says as he finally remembers his umbrella and dumps the excess water onto the street, "the money in my pockets is totally soaked. You're going to have to pay." I pretend to scowl at his sly smile.

"Too bad," I say with a final grin as I pick up my soaking leather schoolbag. "I don't have any money on me. You shouldn't make promises you can't keep." He laughs, a rich chuckle, and it starts me into my giggles. Draping his arm around my shoulder, we start walking down the street to wherever our destination lies.

I hope it rains again sometime soon.

**-fin-**

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Additional Notes** (read at your own risk): I will always have a soft spot for Usagi and Mamoru I think… for years I wrote fanfiction about them and nothing else (I wrote my first SM story… almost 10 years ago? Wow). I've recently started going through my old stories and editing them a little bit (like "That Tangible Something"). This story, however, was the first one I published online ( A Sailor Moon Romance), and has gone through the proverbial wringer in terms of editing—not in content, mostly in context (verb tenses, style, etc.). Anyhow. If you've read it before and remember it, I hope the differences are negligible. 

And thanks for reading, as always.


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